dissent in the Cincinnati
23, 2006 A.D.:
Illegal Alien Folktales
Eleven: Los Tres Chivitos Rudos
upon a time, there were three Mexican bracero goats called
“gruff.” Every spring they traveled north to eat the lush
sweet grass and pick lettuce for exploitive wages, in order
to send money to their poor families back home. Before they
could obtain employment off the books with their Anglo capitalist
ruling class oppressors, however, they had to cross the rushing
Rio Grande River.
was only one way across the Rio Grande, and that was over
a narrow bridge made of wooden planks. And underneath the
bridge there lived a benevolence-challenged, minimally attractive,
one-eyed troll. Nobody was allowed to cross the bridge without
the troll’s permission.
spring, a new and especially menacing troll appeared under
the bridge: a dreaded Sensenbrenner Troll. The Sensenbrenner
Troll was fiercely determined that no bracero goat would cross
his bridge without the proper documentation, and said that
anyone who tried it would be charged with a felony and deported.
When the three bracero goats heard about this they decided
to test the new Troll’s policy.
smallest bracero goat gruff was the first to reach the bridge.
When he began to cross it, the Sensenbrenner Troll suddenly
appeared with a growl. “You shall not pass without a green
card!" he threatened.
here, Mr. Troll,” snorted the goat. “I do not wish to incur
a white backlash, but we bracero goats are taking over the
institutional infrastructure of your American Southwest. You
cannot stop us, because we are here to stay!” Then the smallest
bracero goat scampered back to his family to get his bigger
two bracero goats gruff returned, and they both began to cross
the bridge. Once again, the Sensenbrenner Troll blocked their
path. “Show me your papers or face deportation!” he snarled.
bigger brother warned, “You Anglos are old and tired. We are
workers, not criminals! We are implementing La Reconquista
without firing a shot! Through our love of having children,
we will bury you!” And the two goats clip-clopped back to
get their oldest brother.
all three bracero goats gruff arrived, laughing and singing
a corrido, but before they could set foot (or hoof) upon the
bridge, there suddenly appeared a slender man dressed all
in lavender, wearing a Roman collar, and exuding the strong
scent of English Leather.
Sensenbrenner Troll popped out and immediately noticed the
newcomer. “Who are you?” he demanded, eyeing him with suspicion.
“Que pasa, amigo! I am Agent L. - I represent the men
in Lavender,,” replied the man. “We are a secret
Catholic hierarchy that monitors undocumented immigrant activity
in the U.S., and advocates for them when their rights are
threatened. I would like to express our solidarity with these
three gentlemen and engage you in constructive dialogue on
Illegal aliens have no rights! They are breaking the law!”
protested the Troll.
respectfully acknowledge that your pulchritudinally-challenged
appearance may be the source of your ill-tempered outlook,”
soothed Agent L, “but have you considered that enforcement-only
laws would drive undocumented immigrants further into the
shadows and create more elaborate smuggling networks?”
me, Agent Unctuous,” retorted the Troll, “how can the borders
of our nation be secured if there is no punishment for crossing
the earned adjustment program would bring a large number of
the 11-12 million undocumented aliens out of the shadows and
provide an opportunity for hard-working immigrants to earn
their legal status over time,” replied Agent L. earnestly.
living in a liberal dream world, you fool!” exclaimed the
Troll. “What illegal alien is going to surrender his forged
social security card and driver’s license, and come forward
to be subjected to health and security checks, pay thousands
of dollars in fines, pay back taxes, learn English, and have
to work for at least six more years to earn citizenship?”
surly Prop 187 xenophobic hate-monger!” shouted Agent L.,
in an uncharacteristic outburst. “Don’t you realize that immigrant
workers are employed in low-paying jobs that do not attract
sufficient U.S. workers? Agricultural workers are foreign-born,
while the majority of laborers in the meatpacking and poultry
industries are foreign-born. Over one-third of all dishwashers,
janitors, maids, and cooks are foreign-born.”
pinko subversive!” cried the Troll, probing for flaws in his
opponent’s argument. “That’s called unskilled labor! Obviously
it’s a subsidy to businesses that employ unskilled workers,
which drives down wages. But guess who picks up the tab for
providing social services to a much larger poor and low-income
(While Agent L. and the Sensenbrenner Troll were thus absorbed
in constructive dialogue, the three bracero goats gruff slipped
unnoticed across the bridge and assimilated themselves into
the ranks of the underprivileged, surfacing only to wave Mexican
flags at La Raza rallies in righteous support of their brethren,
and to claim food stamps and medical benefits at their local
Department of Human Services.)
Moral of the Story:
those who go trolling for social justice causes can attest,
grass is always greener on the other side.
information on immigration issues can be found at the Center
for Immigration Studies and the Federation
for American Immigration Reform.
all the ballyhoo, the Sensenbrenner
Bill is only incidentally about illegal immigration.
Its real purpose is to make the Patriot Act permanent.
this was deliberately lost in the shuffle?
Jesus, may those who abuse and disgrace their holy offices
in the Cincinnati Archdiocese step down. May the spotless
name, the sacred power, and the radiant influence of the Church
be restored in Cincinnati. Never let me confuse my disdain
for those who dishonor their office with the office itself.
If there is a better way to expose wickedness and degeneracy,
have mercy upon me and open my eyes to it. In the name of
the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Flying Buttress Archive
publication is a work of satirical fiction, whose purpose
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